the water got high and she never got dry

Monday, May 08, 2006

life in slow motion

Haven’t had much of substance to say lately. Part of that is being busy with end of semester nonsense but there’s definitely been a lack of inspiration. With every new level of happiness, I find less to navel gaze about and navel-gazing has been this blogger’s bread and butter. My old blog was all about angst, I don’t need that outlet anymore so I’m still trying to find my new footing here.

School is school. You learn to live with a certain constant level of stress and self doubt. The rest of my life is permeated by a deep sense of contentment. I appreciate the complete lack of drama but it’s always served as the fuel for my creative fires, less so than quiet contemplation. These days I’m too busy living to bother with introspecting everything to death. Shocking, for me.

I’m caught in the slow steady pull towards the future and some big milestones. Only time will tell how liminality suits me.

I assume that at some point I’ll want to look back at everything that has brought me here, but for now, I’m either in the moment or having fun dreaming about the future. Wedding planning brings out all that is girly and obsessive in me but in a more substantial vein I dream about the life I’m going to have with the Husband to Be.

We talked about kids a lot this past weekend, getting in deeper than our previous “want kids someday but not too soon, thank you very much” position, represented both by that look we give each other every time we’re in a store swarming with loud, rambunctious small fry but also every time Husband to Be makes googly eyes at a cute baby or seeing baby clothes turns me into a little puddle of biological clock tickage.

We talked about when and how many and how we’re divvying up last names and the complexities of mixed heritage and cultural exposure and how we want to cram in as much fun and travel into our pre-kid years as possible. All theoretical of course, because the reality of kids is so far out of our range of experience.

I get all gooshy thinking about having a little boy who looks like Husband to Be, but I’m also savoring the moments when our future child isn’t even so much a twinkle in our eyes as it is a Sunday morning conversation, one of the many moments that make the beginnings of a marriage. The talking and dreaming and planning done snuggling in bed, on evening walks, over dinner, in the car, lying in the sun, getting groceries, this is what is building the bond that will make us husband and wife. The wedding is just the party that caps it all off.

Ok, I guess I still have some introspecting left in me.

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