the water got high and she never got dry

Sunday, December 31, 2006

one small year

The very beginning of 2006 found me a little angsty and sad. Amidst some Sturm and Drang, I deleted my old blog and two people I had been fond of, a friend and my ex-boyfriend, turned on me in the most juvenile, classless way possible. I was angry, hurt, and incredibly disappointed in both them and my poor judgment of character. I felt stupid for having thought highly of a friend who was unable to follow one of the simplest of the cardinal rules of friendship – don’t talk shit about friends and don’t egg others on when they are. The fact that she couldn’t acknowledge that she had been a crappy friend and instead, spun it as me being a drama queen, further highlights her complete lack of character.

Same goes for the ex, who’s like a handsome face with a too soft chin – not a bad guy, just a weak one. Either to friends or on the blog, I had never had a bad word to say about him. He was a nice guy, we just didn’t work out, and the breakup was for the best. End of story.

He told me he wanted to be friends, we occasionally emailed on polite and even cordial terms, and yet suddenly, well over a year after a fairly non-ugly breakup, there’s an online hate-fest going on in his website’s forums and ugly traffic gushing into the blog. He wasn’t actively partaking but he wasn’t doing anything to tamp it down either. Seriously textbook passive-aggressive shit.

It was only after some time and space that I stopped being angry at him and started feeling sorry for him, because it was crystal clear that he was not over me. Had he fully moved on with his life, were his new relationship with my bitch of an ex-friend good enough, neither he nor his cadre of flying monkeys would have given a shit about my blog or what was going on in my life.

Even though the attention was negative, it was still attention. It made me significant, when by all rights I should have been no longer on anyone’s radar. And then on this blog, when some of the old traffic came trickling in, I wondered again, why were they here?

Even now, when I see the hometown hits, like clockwork, with a dark sense of satisfaction, I think, “Guess who still gives a damn.”

Aside from that, I was feeling some growing pains in the relationship with Husband to Be, as I negotiated closeness-distance issues and started feeling the pang of wishing we came home to the same place every night and friends first started asking me if this was It and if and when he might propose.

Which he did, three months later. Two months after that we moved in together and then a little after that, started planning our wedding.

And now I can laugh at the little worries and insecurities of last year and still feel amazed and grateful for the rock-solid security I feel with him and in our life together.

I think about how far we’ve all come. One friend got engaged yesterday and another of my favorite people, well, I won’t be surprised if hers is coming in the very near future. The three of us all came into school dating the one before the One and it makes me smile to see how things have changed and how our futures are shaping up the way they have.

For all its ups and downs, it was a good year.

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