no news, no new regrets

Husband to Be left town on Tuesday for a work trip and will be gone until next Thursday. Big thumbs down to that. I miss him but it hasn’t gotten bad yet. Give it a few days.

In the meantime, I am the guy of the relationship. When I’m gone, HtB would probably keep the place even neater and cleaner than otherwise, while when I’m the one at home, the clutter will accumulate and then be tidied up but quick right before he gets back.

I had my shower this past weekend and it was a good girly time. I got tons o’kitchen loot and had fun judging our very own little Iron Chef competition (secret ingredient hummus). The cutest entry was Miss A’s radish boats with scallion masts and cracker sails, which made her giggle every time she made them. And I had Dr. Pepper cupcakes. Yum.

We capped it off by going downtown and getting mojitos and then martinis and sushi at my favorite sushi restaurant (where my personal trainer also works as a sushi chef. Random!) and the girls made me wear a wee green tiara.

The semester is almost over and after a couple more stacks of grading, I’ll be free. But I’m swamped with things to do. I have to find plane tickets to St. Thomas for my mom, finish writing my gorram cover letter so I can send out job applications, and do about a million things for the wedding, like order the cake and flowers and work on our iPod playlists and gather ideas for the ceremony, and finalize where I’m getting my dress altered. It’s just nuts.

time, time, time, see what's become of me

Not dead, just monumentally busy. We went out of town for the weekend and had a fun couple of days of shopping, relaxing, and watching Mamma Mia, courtesy of Husband to Be’s awesome parents. We hit the same big mall I was at the weekend before for a fun day of much needed girliness with a road trip and tons of shopping, book-ended by meals at the Cheesecake Factory.

I showed HtB this awesome dress I was coveting at White House Black Market and later, in front of his parents, he was all “Why don’t you show my mom that dress you liked?” I showed her the dress, she insisted I try it on and then bought it for me. His parents spoil me like nobody’s business. I think it’ll be the dress I wear for our civil ceremony/local reception.

Mamma Mia was a fun show although as feared, it’s caused a regular rotation of Abba songs to get stuck in my head.

It was nice to get away for the weekend but as soon as we got back, our unrelenting schedule resumed. It’s just been crazy. Between school/work, appointments, errands, ballroom lessons, going to the gym, and going out with friends, there just isn’t time to think, much less write, work on wedding stuff, send out my resume, or just be. In theory I should have all this spare time because I’m no longer working on a dissertation but that’s not the case. I think if I were still working on school stuff, I would have totally snapped by now.

I've been a slave to my schedule, knowing exactly what is going to occupy each time slot, and the whole time wondering when the hell I'll have time to clean the litter box and do laundry and oh yeah, time for naked activities would be great too. We're too young and unmarried to need to schedule sex, dammit! And as I was slogging my way through the rain and to the apartment building today, weighed down with groceries and exhausted from running errands and already thinking ahead to having to go to the gym, come home, eat dinner, and then go right back out for dance lessons, like a broken record, all I could think was "This is madness. We don't even have kids yet!"

We tell ourselves that things will just have to be less crazy when we're not trying to find jobs and plan a move and a wedding on top of all the responsibilities of everyday life. I can't remember the last time I had no deeds to do, no promises to keep. Sometimes it's a privilege to be idle.

knowing when to fold 'em

Man, this blog could really use some fun and frivolity about now. It’s not as if I’ve been doing nothing but stressing out 24/7, although there’s been a lot of that. There’s also been
going to see Second City and drinking and board games and pigging out in front of the Super Bowl and friends walking over and having brunch, with yummy waffles and bacon and quiche, courtesy of AB’s easiest quiche recipe ever.

Except for wishing that the big day was already here and pining for beautiful beaches, I have nothing to complain about in regards to wedding planning and will not complain, because I get to marry the love of my life in a tropical paradise, boo-fucking-hoo. However glacially, we’re making progress with our caterer and he seems to be able to deliver everything we want. Sushi! Gelato! Huzzah!

But on the angst front, for the umpteenth and final time, I am considering quitting. It’s one month into my last semester of my sixth year and I still don’t have an approved prospectus. In layman terms, I’m screwed. It wouldn’t be impossible to finish up this summer, but it’s beginning to feel pretty close to it. Part of me very much wants to get the degree and part of me is ready to lay down my burdens and get off the hamster wheel, to stop pretending that I’m Ph.D material.

What is it anyway, three letters after my name? They’re not the key to happiness. Would I be disappointed at walking away with only a Master’s after six years of work and misery and debt? Yea. But I might also feel really free to get on with life.

Honestly, it feels a lot like when I made the decision to end my last relationship. I stuck with it longer than I should have because I kept thinking things would get better and that I shouldn’t give up, shouldn’t be a quitter. It took time to realize that it wasn’t being a quitter, it was making the choice to do what was best for me and extricate myself from something unhappy. And after some grieving, there was an immense feeling of liberation and relief.

Whatever decision I make, I know that Husband to Be is behind me completely (squeezing my butt, as he always says). I wish I could say the same of my dad, who I know will go ballistic if I don't finish, but what can I do? Life and family are never perfect.

Will she or won’t she? Stay tuned.

when you can't find the hours

days keep on slipping through
avenues under construction
blocking out your sky blues…

oh these days, seem dark
darkest i've seen
darling you send me through the hours
days keep on sifting through
-calexico

Maybe I need a blog macro along the lines of “Busy and stressed” because it seems like that covers just about most of my life these days. I was telling Husband to Be the other day that it surprises me how high the divorce rate is when you would think the wedding planning process would weed out anyone who’s not really serious about getting married.

Even though I should be inured to it by now, I still feel shock at expensive every tiny thing is. Worrying about our budget, worrying about logistics and if various important people will be able to make it, dealing with vendors who all operate on “island time”, and doing and worry about everything from such a great distance – it’s enough to drive anyone bonkers.

If it were just wedding planning going on, I might bitch about it but we could deal with it. But combined with the stress of dealing with school and wondering how the hell I’m going to graduate and how we’re both needing to find jobs and be ready to move by the end of June (two days after we get back from our honeymoon), when our lease is up, I feel a nearly intolerable weight pushing down on me. We’d really like to have more time here but because we were so impatient to move in together last summer, we unknowingly screwed our future selves.

I feel like I’m swimming in glue. I keep hoping the stress will get dialed down a bit and I’ll just suck it up and deal, but it’s really damn hard. I know how incredibly happy we’ll be when we get married and when I graduate and when we take off for parts unknown for new adventures, but somehow it feels unfair to have this several month long trial by fire first. How about a damn happy medium?

In the meantime, HTB and I make sure to keep our senses of humor intact and to appreciate the occasional things that go smoothly, like finding HTB’s suit for the wedding at a really great price at a Banana Republic outlet store. I take every bit of pleasure I can in good times with friends, because I am going to miss the absurdist humor, the shared jokes, and the stories I’ve heard so many times.

And lunch from the new Sonic (chicken club toaster sandwich, cheese tots, and a large lemon berry slush)? Good for the soul.