it's the little things that can pull you under

This morning it was parking. Now that students are back in, the halcyon days of parking only a few blocks away are over. Yesterday I had to pass up on 3 spots because my parallel parking skills leave a lot to be desired and the spots were small. Today I parked further away than I ever have and it made me grumpy in a "this is not really about parking" sort of way.

It's a pleasant walk past lots of cute old houses that I want to photograph, but I couldn't help but think ahead to how awful the walk becomes in the winter. Instead of thinking "yay, my last year here and my last Midwestern winter" it was "I can't believe I have to do this (school) for another year" and "I can't believe I have to go through another one of these hellish winters."

Why is it so much easier to tell yourself to suck it up and do whatever needs to be done, whether it's walking to school or finishing my damn prospectus so I can actually graduate this year than to actually do it, with maturity and grace, or failing that, just with a minimum of bitching?

It's hard to stay rooted in the present when I spend so much time planning for the future. We've booked the reception villa and wedding planner and are working on designing a monogram and making save-the-dates, and need to start thinking about florists and caterers and on and on. I enjoy it but it's always a reminder of things to come - graduating, getting married, and moving - and it's hard not to be impatient.

The negatives in my life are far outweighed by the positives and I'm very satisfied with our homey apartment and our good friends and the simple pleasures of pre-kid years with HTB. But I'm also really tired of the rut that is grad school and the feeling that a more satisfying life is still on hold. I've looked at a lot of travel magazines over the past few months and it just intensifies the itch to be out there, somewhere. Adventure is calling to me and I'm pouting and kicking my heels because I can't answer the call yet.

Mopiness is so unbecoming. I need to snap out of it and just do what I need to do. Yea, I'll get right on that.